The labyrinth.

The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.

I find it funny how a book I read years and years ago still continues to relate to my life and still holds so much importance and relevance to everything I do.

When I first found 'Looking for Alaska' under a table in a huge box of books, there was just something about it, and the cover. I gravitated towards it. When I first read it, the significance of just reading it and understanding the meaning was therapeutic. I cried and cried when I realized that I related to a girl who hit the gas instead of the brake. I realized that at the time, I was walking out in front of cars and half-hoping that they would do the same. I was broken and lost, and reading about her made me feel that I needed to find my way out of the labyrinth. 

At the time, as some people know, I was being verbally abused by my dad's girlfriend of the time. I was fragile to begin with, self conscious, confused, and still hurt over my parent's divorce. At the time, I was just coming out of a two and a half year struggle with depression when she entered my life. I won't sugar-coat it- being abused was one of the lowest points of my life. No one believed that it was happening because I didn't like her to begin with. However, one night my mother happened to come early to pick me up and she caught the end of one of Lori's rants at me for not doing the dishes. It started as a 'why didn't you clean?' rant and turned into a 'you're a useless homewrecker, you make everyone around you unhappy' rants. One of the worst parts of this was my dad's decision to stand there and let it happen. He didn't try to stop her, he'd just stand silently and watch her do it. I would look to him, my hero, to save me from the yelling, the screaming, the put-downs. His silence only cemented in my belief that this treatment is what I deserved.

How at the age of 13 I managed to overcome this I will never understand. I tried so hard to be as perfect as I could, so that in the end, she would hypothetically have nothing to call me on so she would have to stop. But she didn't. I can still remember sitting on the couch and keeping my eyes on her hands, hoping that she wouldn't decide to hit me this time. Don't misunderstand- she never hit me. But I watched her hit and beat on my dad regularly, and I was scared that one day she may snap and turn to me and do the same thing.

This was the worst part of the labyrinth. It was the most dark, and the hardest to find my way out of. I decided to live with my mum almost full time and just stay at the weekends at my dad's. Finally, it seemed after that year had ended, that she had calmed down. I made the decision to stay there during the summer. It was one of the worst decisions I made. Even though I followed the rules, respected her, and did everything I could to please her, it didn't. She harassed me worse than when it had all started. I left that summer feeling worse than when it had started. I vowed to never again step foot in their house. One day, after receiving a call from her that made me cry in front of my friends, they convinced me that it was time. I bussed home, and with my friends waiting at the bottom of our driveway, I walked into the storm.

It felt kind of surreal. I opened the door, and she was there waiting. From the moment before I had time to close said door, to the moment that I stepped off of their property, she didn't stop screaming. But for once, I ignored her completely. I simply turned to her and said, "I'm leaving." I went and packed my necessary things, and left. My dad stood there in shock, and didn't say a word. Lori screamed at me while I walked down our driveway. I was 14.

Since then, my patience was rewarded. I started living full time with my mom. I started to get good grades. Even though I still had to deal with certain issues with Lori (I almost got a restraining order) I felt almost normal again. Don't get me wrong, there were bumps along the way. Finally, the Christmas of '09 brought me what I waited for so patiently- My family had realized Lori's ways, and had actually made her leave our Christmas Eve dinner for trying to yell at me. That single moment was when I knew that everything would be okay. Over the course of 6 months, her relationship with my dad collapsed. I was so happy when I found out that they were done. It was over.

It took me a long time to fully forgive my father, Lori, and the rest of my family for what happened. I can say that up until the past month, I still wasn't there. Living away from home and having space from everyone is really what made me realize that you have to forgive. I lived for so long hating Lori, hating my father, hating my family for overlooking everything. It took me too long to understand that in order to be okay, you have to forgive and let go. It's hard. It takes time. But without forgiveness, I would never have gotten this far. I wouldn't have been successful. I would be burning up in my hate. 

I am so thankful for my life. I am thankful for every breath I breathe, and every step I take. I am fortunate to have the life I've been given. The labyrinth feels less daunting, and more bright now. Not as much of an obstacle  as it is a part of life. I now try to live life as passionately as I can. I try to say yes instead of no. I do things that I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. I feel like whatever has created us, whether it be a God or Greater Consciousness had made us with intention. I feel that I was given these burdens like these issues with Lori and my heart problems among the rest of my health issues to overcome them. I was given these heavy burdens because I was made to carry them with grace. 

Some people choose to fight the labyrinth, others get lost. I am so grateful that I realized that the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering, is to forgive.